Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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