just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
