i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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