my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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