looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
