I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
