i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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