I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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