Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
