This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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