ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
