i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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