Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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