i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
