just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I got inside last night via doggy door
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
