if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
