We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
