The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
