my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
