i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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