i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
