If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
