I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Randomize
