im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Who died my cat blue again?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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