also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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