So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
