I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
