I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
