My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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