I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
