i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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