So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
