i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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