if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
