apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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