I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
