And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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