STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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