She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
