First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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