I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
