mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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