I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
