I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
