Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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