Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
