Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
