this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
