It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Randomize
