It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
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