Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
