Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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