My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
