Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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