I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
sarcasm needs its own font
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
