he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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