ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
This show inspires me to have sex in space
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
