FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
