apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
