I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
