glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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