Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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