Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
