dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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